Some things not to say to an adoptive family

I have heard from other adoptive parents the top 10 things not to say to an adoptive family. Over the years I myself have had well meaning people say things to me that they should not, or at least reword their question. Please remember we are very open to answering questions, but there is some information that we will not share. Even though our daughters are young, they are listening to what others say, and more importantly how we respond. So if you are reading this please take this to heart, not just for our family, but all adoptive families:)

1. We have 6 children, not 4 of our own and 2 adopted. God has blessed us with 6 children, period.

2. How much did she cost?

Well "she" didn't cost anything. The agency fees, the state dept. fees, the airfare, hotel, visa,
certification, etc. do add up. If you have specific questions I will be happy to discuss this with
you. I mean think about it, if someone is pregnant and gives birth do people ask the new
parents how much did she/he cost? I've yet to meet anyone who didn't have fees to pay
whether it be the Dr., hospital, lab, etc.

3. She'll be beautiful after her surgeries. Her scar hardly shows.

By making this comment my almost 8 year old may be wondering about herself. Her self
worth. She knows she has a scar. Our girls are beautiful. Please don't put emphasis on their
clefts. Love them, pray for them, hug them, but don't make them feel "different".

4. Why is the wait so long, their are so many children waiting for their forever families?

This is a difficult one. I can only say it is due to the paperwork. The amount of paperwork
involved in adoption huge. When there are so many families in the process and so few staff
to process, it takes longer. I can give an example from our experience in the U. S. when we
were trying to to get our I600A, which is giving us permission to adopt internationally. We
have to have our fingerprints done in Detroit at the immigration office. They send our
fingerprints to the FBI to make sure we have no criminal record. Well it takes only minutes
for these to be cleared, yet it took 4 months for us to receive our paperwork .

Yes, it is sad that it takes so long, you don't have to tell us that, but thats the way it is at this
time.

5. Will they be real sisters?

Yes, in every way that counts.

6. The Chinese don't want the girls, and often I hear awful comments that accompany this.

The truth is the Chinese Gov't allows only 1 child per family. Yes there are exceptions, such
if you have twins, if you pay the additional fee to have another child. The additional fees
are usually equal to 1 year of pay, up front in cash. There are some places in China that
allow 2 children, but this is rare.

China doesn't have social security, there are no retirement plans to enroll in. The Chinese
tradition is that the son will marry and he and is wife will live with his parents and care
for them in their old age. If you have a daughter you have noone to care for you. It is
wrong, but this is what the Chinese Gov't has said.


7. Do you know anything about her real parents?

First let me say, we are her real parents. Her biological parents are who you are referring
to. No we do not. In China there isn't an adoption program for biological parents like here
in the U.S. Most of the children in orphanages in China were abandoned. I cannot imagine the
pain of the family when they must leave their precious child. The children are usually left
in a very public place in the very early morning. This may be a market, hospital, police
station, train station, etc. Usually the family member who takes them will hide and wait
for the child to be found. I can only imagine how heart wrenching this is for them. If
anyone is caught abandoning a child, the punishment is severe. So you see the birth
family shows great love in taking the risk of making sure the child is found.

8. Will you tell her shes adopted?

This one cracks me up. Its pretty obvious isn't it? haha But yes, we have shared from
as long as we can remember her adoption story with her.



Please take these things I've said to heart. I know no one means any harm when they say things. We have all said things and then thought to ourselves, why did I say that. We love all of our children, they are all our own.